It makes me miss my babies.
I text Mary (beyond awesome caregiver to my kids) and ask how kids are - because I miss them and in this moment of hearing babies cry and sitting alone in a big (freezing cold) room, I question so many things.
And then I get these:
I cry, send mushy texts back for Mary to read to the kids and I ask God,
"Are you sure I am doing what I am supposed to be doing?"
"Why have you created me the way that I am with the desires I have?"
As I struggled to gain my footing emotionally, I had the thought, I once was lost, but now I am found.
"But God, how can I be found when one minute I feel confident and sure in Your plan and my steps and the next I am fearful, unsure and feel like I have completely missed the boat. Aren't I the textbook definition of one who is lost?"
/lɔst, lɒst/ Show Spelled
-having gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as to place, direction, etc.
-not used to good purpose, as opportunities, time, or labor; wasted
-being something that someone has failed to win
I look at those definitions (courtesy of dictionary.com) and I think, "yep, that's me." But God says differently. He says,
“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ Luke 15:4-6
/faɪnd/ Show Spelled
-to locate, attain, or obtain by search or effort
-to locate or recover (something lost or misplaced)
-to discover or perceive after consideration
-to gain or regain the use of
-equipped, outfitted, or furnished
I am not a theologian (not a surprise to many of you), but this is how I felt God spoke to me through this. When I was lost, (astray; missing the way; bewildered as to place, direction; not used to good purpose), God came after me and searched until He FOUND (located, attained, obtained by search, effort; recovered; discovered or perceived at consideration; gained or regained use of; equipped, outfitted, furnished) ME.
I may still feel bewildered, astray and not used to good purpose, but God sees me as a discovered, equipped, furnished child that He rejoices over and shows off to His friends.
Wow. I get choked up typing that.
God is so good and loving and I am overwhelmed with Him and his love and presence, even here in this big empty (still freezing) temporary office.